This has to be the best real estate deal since Whitewater. Through a complex series of events that even our 24-hour news junkies have trouble following, Al Sharpton will now get to produce rap music in Cuba, while the U.S. sets up its embassy on the current site of North Korea’s diplomatic mission in Havana. And Kim Jong Un will get to share a Cohiba cigar with Dennis Rodman, Al Sharpton, Amy Pascal and President Obama.
It’s all in this one infographic.
- Sony Pictures greenlights a film titled The Interview, a comedy which depicts the assassination of Kim Jong Un. The movie is set for release on Christmas Day 2015.
- Absolute Ruler and Deity of North Korea, Kim Jong Un, takes offense to this movie, because he takes himself somewhat more seriously than Hollywood. Or Washington D.C. for that matter. Oh yeah—Dennis Rodman, Friend of Dear Leader’s grandson, is sort of the basis for the movie’s idea, but he hasn’t been assassinated. I think Rodman would beam back to the planet he’s from before that happened anyway.
- Kim commits his entire country’s Ho-Ho (and Twinkie) budget to buy a few laptop PCs and enlist some Chinese hackers to break into Sony Pictures’ network and stop the movie.
- After about two hours and bribing a janitor, they succeed, making off with about ten terabytes of stuff, including all kinds of private emails, movie scripts, unreleased digital copies of movies, and Michael Jackson’s uploaded consciousness. They start leaking these files through various file sharing sites, although Michael Jackson’s consciousness hasn’t been seen yet (everyone’s ringtone will suddenly become a soprano “hoooo-hoo” when it happens).
- Some of the emails are between Sony Pictures chief Amy Pascal and various Hollywood types, on subjects like President Obama’s favorite (black) movies and other potential TRIGGER WARNING material. These emails embarrass Pascal, and provoke Hollywood idiots such as Aaron Sorkin to blame the media for reporting the most juicy bits.
- President Obama, hearing about these emails, decides to change 54 years of history and lift the embargo against Cuba, while ignoring the fact that Kim Jong Un’s (2) terror warning against theaters caused Sony Pictures (1) to cancel the release of The Interview. This is done to move the news cycle past the North Korea event and create Yet Another News Story—a strategy which has worked for over six years for Obama.
- Castro gladly accepts Obama’s gift of three convicted Cuban spies and responds by releasing American contractor Alan Gross with a case of Cohiba cigars.
- Meanwhile, Amy Pascal receives TRIGGER WARNING race sensitivity training on how to be a non-Bossy cis-gendered white woman fighting the Paternity from none other than Al Sharpton, Friend of Obama and frequent White House guest. Sharpton will be more than glad to accept whatever money and power Sony can pour into his bank account in order to vet their movies and ensure they remain “on the right side of changing Hollywood.” Whatever that means.
- Sharpton uses his prodigious charm to convince Obama to get him an option on some great Havana real estate so he can open a rap studio next door to the new U.S. Embassy and then rent space to msnbc for their “Live from Havana” show (which will likely premier in January 2015).
- msnbc’s Sharpton interviews Col. Jack Jacobs and Anthony Ronan (star of now-dead The Interview) on how the U.S. can protect itself by Sony hiring better janitors to prevent more cyberattacks from Chinese hackers paid in North Korean Ho-Hos. This show pre-empts an airing of Trey Parker’s 2004 satire Team America: World Police.
- Sharpton, Obama, Pascal, Kim, and Rodman get together to celebrate the State Department purchase of the building now used as the North Korean Embassy in Havana to be the new U.S. Embassy (I’m sure it won’t have any bugs or camera spying on us). It will be right next door to Sharpton’s next investment: Dear Leader (“DL”) Records, celebrating—through rap music—North Korea’s contribution to (TRIGGER WARNING) Black culture in Cuba. They celebrate by lighting up a few of those Cohibas Alan Gross brought with him.
And that’s everything you need to know about Sony, Cuba and North Korea.
*The real estate deal is speculation. Okay, it’s satire; as in fabricated. But everything else is completely true. Except for the cigars (maybe).